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The Campaign


Characters:

Captain Peterson: Leader of the company.

Sir Roderick: The Campaign's sponsor.

Lieutenant Sedgwick: The company planner.

Harry: Weapons expert. Very fat.

Inky: A gross and indecent sneak-thief.


Act I, Scene I:

[All five heroes sit around a large wooden table forming a half-circle that faces the audience. Inky sits on the far left; Sir Roderick sits to his left; Peterson sits in the center; Sedgwick sits on his left; and Harry sits on the far right.]

Peterson: Good evening, gentlemen. I assume you are all aware of why we are here tonight.

Harry: The brochure promised food.

Peterson: That comes later. For the time being we must focus on the task at hand. Sir Roderick's mother, our dear lady Lyndon, was captured a week ago by a most fearful dragon. As the newly formed Company of Returning Missing and Endangered Persons, it is therefore our job to rescue her.

Harry: What's in it for us?

Peterson: Sir Roderick is a lord. He will be financing the entire operation, and will be paying us at the conclusion of a successful mission.

Harry: Every time I've been involved in a job, I was paid and fed up front.

Roderick: You'll not see a penny from me until the job is finished.

[Harry burps loudly.]

Roderick: You fat oaf! What is that supposed to mean?

Harry: I assure my lord that I emitted not but a meaningless belch.

Peterson: Quiet, both of you! We would hear Lieutenant Sedgwick's report on the company's supplies. Give your report, Lieutenant.

Sedgwick: I wasn't able to find any of our rope, sir.

Peterson: What, not even a foot?!

Sedgwick: No sir, no feet either. But that wasn't on the list...

Harry: It's just as well. You won't see me using my feet for anything until I've had a proper meal.

Roderick: Even if we had any rope, I doubt you'd be able to climb it.

Peterson: Be silent, everyone! Sedgwick, you're certain we're all out of rope?

[Inky starts fidgeting next to Sir Roderick]

Sedgwick: I can't excuse it sir, but yes, the rope is completely gone. Perhaps the rats got to it.

Peterson: Well how do you expect us to ascend the beast's lair without any rope?

[Inky stops fidgeting]

Roderick: What--my purse is missing!

Harry: Well, that figures. You weren't planning to even pay us at all.

Roderick: Selfish buffoon! You've just insulted my dignity.

[Peterson buries his face in his hands out of frustration]

Peterson: We have no plan, let alone the team needed to execute it.

Harry: Why should we care anyway, Lady Lyndon is far too old to ask for rescue from anything at this point.

[Sir Roderick stands up and draws his sword]

Roderick: You brute! This is the last straw. I'll have your head for those words!

Sedgwick: Sir Roderick, please...

[Harry slowly gets up from his seat]

Harry: Pay it no mind Sedgwick, we'll only be a moment.

[Harry and Roderick both leave. A fight ensues offstage between the two. In the meantime, the dialogue continues.]

Inky: So how old is Lady Lyndon exactly?

Peterson: What does it even matter?

Inky: I'm just saying, I expected her still being a little pretty, eh?

[Suddenly, a scream is heard offstage and the sounds of fighting cease. Harry returns with Sir Roderick's head in his left hand.]

Peterson: What--you've cut his head off!

Harry: I am a weapons expert, what did you expect?

Peterson: Well if you cared about your money, you would know we certainly won't be paid to rescue anyone now!

Sedgwick: It'll be alright, Captain. Even if we're not paid, we could still put the mission on our curricula vitae.

Inky: Our curricula what now?

Peterson: No, no, no! Just forget it! The mission is cancelled.

Inky: Cancelled?

Sedgwick: Cancelled!

Harry: Cancelled.

Peterson: Right, it's cancelled! And as of right now, I'm disbanding the company as well, because you're all worthless!

[Peterson storms offstage]

Sedgwick: Captain, wait! Please come back!

[Sedgwick follows Peterson off stage. Harry sighs slowly. There is a pause. Inky begins counting the money in the purse he stole from Sir Roderick]

Harry: Well, I think I'm going to get something to eat. Are you coming?

Inky: Yeah, sure. I'll just be a bit.

Harry: Alright.

[Harry gets up from his seat and lumbers offstage. As Harry exits the stage, Inky gets up and tosses the purse to himself. Finally he follows Harry offstage]


End

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