A Brief Survey of Goblins
By Horace P. Fetch
Slovenly; pungent; beastly; these are adjectives that we humans commonly pair with the creatures we call goblins. And it is fitting, because the things truly are are vile creatures. But despite this, there is much to be gained in studying the things. Whether it is to gain an advantage in battle against them or to just keep away from them altogether, ALL people can benefit by reading the contents of this book. For although there was a dark time when we knew nothing about the creatures, and could only cower as they destroyed our homes and kidnapped our children, those days are forever over! For I, Horace P. Fetch, have done what few would dare to do, and spent years investigating goblins upclose, determining their weaknesses in person so you don't have to!
Now, as I'm sure you must know, Humans and Goblins have always been at war. So it was at my own great peril that I put myself in their vicinity, and followed their mundane existence quite closely. It was dreadful, I can guarantee you that, becaues if I ever exposed myself, I would be forced to defend myself against them. But when the time came, I did indeed defend myself! Though goblins tend to be quite fierce, I, Horace P. Fetch, was able to deftly deflect their attacks and destroy them with my own! How did I do this, you ask? Why, by following the very principles you are about to read in this book!
So, how was I able to fight off the goblins, anyway? Well, on that particularly eventful evening, I had managed to arm myself with a collection of weapons I had just bought from Harold's Armor & Arms. And it should be said, dear reader: his weapons are truly the best! But more than that, I was also able to defeat the goblins by taking advantage of one of their many physical disadvantages: Goblins, as well as being slovenly, pungent, and beastly creatures, also tend to be quite stout.
"Good heavens," most good people would say, "how would you possibly divine such a thing, Mr. Fetch?" Well, dear reader, it is quite like this: although Goblins appear most frightful and strong in numbers, the truth of it is, the average one stands a good 10 centimeters shorter than humans. I was able to divine this by heroicly killing several of them and measuring their heights using a tape measure I bought at Zeb's Tools & Hardware. Knowing this, I can only laugh when a goblin stands against me, because I know that a man such as myself who stands two meters tall has nothing to fear from a creature he stands head and shoulders over!
"But Mr. Fetch," you might be thinking, "the average heights of goblins is fine, but what about me? How could I increase my stature and stand against the beasts?" Well that, dear reader, is an excellent question! Aside from hitting your local gym, I can recommend you something I know you'll love: my latest tonic, otherwise known as the Size-Increasing Potion (tm)! That's right, on top of being an explorer, writer, swordsman, and womanizer, I, Horace P. Fetch, am also an alchemist! And with my latest invention, you too can stand as tall and brave against the darkness as I can! So the next time you're in any major town on this side of the mortal realm, make sure to check your local apothecary for my Size-Increasing Potion (tm)!
That's all my tips folks! If you liked this book, be sure to keep an eye out for my next, coming under the title: Wooing the Succubus! Until next time!
-- Horace P. Fetch